The Tale of a Dick and an Asshole
by Takahashi Nana
Summary: Haizaki calls Akashi an asshole in the middle of the stairs after his first loss, and awkwardness ensues. Warning: swearing, lame-ass pick up lines, BlushingUke!Haizaki, Written during my sugar high.


**I...I just wrote this to get off my sugar high. I'll go finish my biology reading now. Thank you for reading!**

"Akashi, you're an asshole." A familiar voice popped out behind him. Seijuurou stopped in his track down the stairs, and almost groaned when he had to turn his head towards none other than Haizaki Shougo. Honestly, hearing someone address him with such such a crude manner right after his first loss is not just irritating to him, it makes him want to downright hurl the guy into hell.

"What are you doing here, Haizaki?" Akashi hissed, eyes staring straight into the taller male's face.

"Ehh~nothing much." The male smirked as he almost nonchalantly danced his way down to Akashi's side, "Just wanted to tell you that you're an asshole."

"Well you have achieved your goal." The redhead curtly replied, and turned his head back to make a move down the stairs again.

The elder snickered behind him. He laughed violently, before he sing-songed: "I can't believe that you showed off your new invisible bitch in front of your old invisible bitch, did you see that look on his face?"

"Haizaki, please leave me alone."

"Ahh, don't want to be called an Asshole?" Akashi felt a large hand grab his jaw and violently turned his head around, "You just lost, so don't pretend to be all high and mighty. You ain't no better than me now." The large male sneered as he moved closer, body effectively blocking off any chance of escape the Redhead had. The redhead glared, and the male seemed to get fazed for a second before he moved his face uncomfortably close to Akashi's.

"To what do I own this honor of being called an asshole by none other than the king of all assholes, Haizaki?" Akashi managed to grit out while his throat tightened in desperation. They were all alone-all other teams had left earlier. There was no exit in sight. If Haizaki wanted to do something to him the smaller male would have a very slim chance of escape.

"Heh? Now insulting me, are you?" Haizaki laughed, and he let go of Akashi's jaw. The redhead immediately dashed back, preparing to punch the male in front of him at any chance. However, Hazaki seemed to have no intention of attacking. He hopped down some stairs and hopped back up as if he did not just trap Akashi in a situation.

"I consider myself more of a "dick" though." Haizaki turned back to Akashi, who furrowed his brows at the cheery gleam in his eyes that's not like his usual self. (In fact, it reminded him of a certain blonde ex-teammate of his." Haizaki then proceeded to rush forward to press his forehead against Akashi's in a horrible imitation of a seductive smirk: "My "Dick" and your "Asshole" can get along, can't they?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Shit, this is not how it's supposed to go." He hears the taller hiss under his breath and quirks an eyebrow.

"...Haizaki, are you flirting with me?"

"WHAT?! NO! Of course not!" The taller male jumped back, effectively falling down a few flights of stares. Akashi, with an amused glint in his eyes, walk over to the taller male instead. As the taller male rubbed his head, he saw Akashi's eyes glinting at him and blushed. "Well, I mean you are a really hot, eloquent asshole...NOT THAT THAT MAKES YOU ANY LESS OF AN ASSHOLE." Haizaki turned his face away, and mumbled something.

"What did you say, Shougo?" Akashi smirked, this time grabbing Haizaki's jaw in his hand, "Repeat it to me."

"I-I said!" Haizaki shook his head in embarassment, "I said...I said that I want to go out with you, just a dick and an asshole, together!"

Akashi stared down at his ex-teammate for a moment. No one in their right minds would date this guy. Back in middle school, he had broken the hearts of so many girls that no one can count. So why would he use this lame excuse of a confession to try and seduce him? But that blush-Akashi, for some reason, thinks that it's real.

"I thought you would have more tact in your confessions, no matter how fake they are, Haizaki." He blankly commented, before making his way down the stairs again. He heard a rapid ruffling of clothes behind him and the next thing he knows is Haizaki rushing forward to hug him.

"I...I never confessed to a guy before! So I asked Hanamiya for his advice and...and this is his idea!" Haizaki almost mumbled into Akashi's ears, "I...I've liked you since middle school but Nijimura would definitely make fun of me for it and...and you were the king that never lost while I'm a sore-ass loser that loses in everything, s-so I had to wait until you had your first loss to confess to you!"

Akashi raised an eyebrow. So Haizaki had a crush on him. He shrugged; he's not going out with anyone, and Haizaki with a blushing expression isn't half bad-looking. "All right, I'll go out with you." He found himself saying, "But if you treat me like any of your ex-girlfriends I will cut off your penis, deep-fry it, and make you eat it with peanut butter, understood?"

"Uh...uh, alright..." Haizaki looked genuinely perturbed. Good.

"Come here." AKashi curled his finger, and Haizaki ran up to him. The redhead wrapped his left hand around the elder's right, and they walked down the stairs, hand in hand.

At the bottom of the stairs, Akashi turned around and found that Haizaki's burying him head in his left hand. He smiled, and continued to walk silently just like this until they reached the train station.

On the train, Akashi turned towards his new boyfriend. Said boyfriend raised his eyes out of his hand, and Akashi smirked: "By the way, Shougo."

"H-huh?"

"I'll be the "dick" in this relationship, okay?"

"Wait, that lame-ass pickup line actually worked?!" Hanamiya Makoto's glorious eyebrows went up in shock, "You actually got Akashi Seijuurou to go out with you using that lame-ass pick up line?"

"Shut up!" Haizaki hissed, face red.


End file.
